


Sufficient

by oooknuk



Series: Sufficient [3]
Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 22:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10750881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oooknuk/pseuds/oooknuk
Summary: What doesn't kill us.... Friends, partners and partnership





	Sufficient

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All characters you recognize will belong to Alliance. No infringement of copyright intended. Not for profit. 
> 
> Warnings: m/m, language, death of a minor character 
> 
> Note: This takes place after 'Call of the Wild'. This is the third in the series, and is a sequel to 'Need'.   
> My thanks to Moonpuppy for beta on this.

From:  Ray Kowalski <rayk57@excite.com>   
To: Benton Fraser <bfraser@netcom.ca>   
Date:  5 September 2005   
Time: 1400

Hi Ben

I hope you see this when you get home to the big freezer. Finally got everything working without your help - I always said if you could teach Frannie how to use a PC, you could teach anyone. Anyway. Hope the flight was ok. It was hard seeing you go like that, I miss you already. Guess it's going to be a long few months, huh?

Well, I haven't got any news from the two hours since I saw you, so, hey, just saying 'Miss you'.

Love

Ray

 

* * *

  
From:  Benton Fraser <bfraser@netcom.ca>   
To: Ray Kowalski <rayk57@excite.com   
Date:  6 September 2005   
Time: 0600

Dear Ray

You wrote   
_> I hope you see this when you get home to the big freezer._

Yes, I did, just as soon as Diefenbaker finished reproaching me for leaving him up here on his own for three weeks. He says hello.

 _> Finally got everything working without your help - I always said if_   
_> you could teach Frannie how to use a PC, you could teach anyone._

Well, Ray, Francesca is an intelligent woman, just as you are an intelligent man. Both of you are completely capable of operating simple email software.

_> Anyway. Hope the flight was ok._

It was satisfactory, thank you. We hit some turbulence at a few junctures, but nothing serious. I had a most interesting companion - a bookseller. We discussed libraries for quite some time until he apologized and said he needed to sleep. I can't sleep on airlines but I notice many of the people I come across have little difficulty. I wish I knew the secret.

_> It was hard seeing you go like that, I miss you already._

And I you. Always.

_> Guess it's going to be a long few months, huh?_

Perhaps, but I suspect you will be busy, so will I, and it's a very pleasant thing to look forward to. Don't forget I might come down sooner. Unfortunately, Constable Williams broke his leg last week, so we're short-staffed.  I won't be able to get leave for a couple of months but I hope in the spring, I might be able to take that fortnight we discussed.

Your friend, in every way

Ben

 

* * *

  
From:  Ray Kowalski <rayk57@excite.com>   
To: Benton Fraser <bfraser@netcom.ca>   
Date:  22 September 2005   
Time: 0000

Another exciting day in the big city, Ben.  Elaine and me tracked down this guy we figured for a drive by shooting two days ago. Found him holed up in a crack house - talk about someone being off their skull. I don't think he even knew we were police officers. Probably thought we were avenging angels or something. Anyway, we've both got our guns on him and he just charges straight at us, knocks Elaine over and slams me against the wall. I end up chasing him down the street nearly a quarter mile before he trips and I get him.  But he still wouldn't lie still, the little ... well, you know what I want to call him. I swear, I had to sit on him just to stop him moving, and I couldn't cuff him until Elaine caught up with me. This kind of attracted some attention on the street, and for a while there, it looked hairy. You ever notice how *big* people look when you're sitting on the ground looking up, the only white guy with twenty black kids just wanting a piece of you? Good thing Elaine can calm these guys down - it's her voice, I think (remind you of anyone?) We got him to the station but then we had to wait for him to come down. I left work half an hour ago, and he was still buzzing around the holding cell like a fly in a jam jar. No idea what he was on - something new, for sure.

Hey, you never guess who I ran into this morning? Lieutenant Welsh. He says hi, by the way. He's looking forward to retirement, it's all he talks about.  I think he's getting sour on the whole middle management thing, and he's got cops leaving faster than he can fill the gaps. He even said you could have a job if you ever wanted one - must be desperate (that was a joke, Ben).

Look, it's midnight! Sheesh. Better get to bed. Elaine says hi too. She's getting big - she's swelling more every time I see her! But the baby's good, and she's terrific, as always.

Miss you   
love   
Ray

 

* * *

  
From:  Benton Fraser <bfraser@netcom.ca>   
To: Ray Kowalski <rayk57@excite.com>   
Date:  23 September 2005   
Time: 0600

Dear Ray

It sounds like you had an exciting time of it with your malfeasant. Our drug problems on Baffin Island are mainly alcohol-related (some always slips through our barrier) but our biggest problem is legal drugs. There are some cannabis users who give us problems when they drive snowmobiles under the influence. I know that many smaller communities are being cursed by substances spreading from the big towns. I can't say I miss dealing with that sort of thing.

I thought of you last night. That sounds like I don't normally, which isn't true. What I mean is that I really wished you were here to see the view with me. The weather was unusually clear because of the sudden cold snap, and the late sun over the frozen sound was a sight and a half. I could imagine you being captivated by the colors of the sunset over the white ice and the icebergs out from the land. It's beautiful here, it never ceases to amaze me how much it is. It's not like the place where I grew up, it's far wilder, far more rugged. You know, this is considered a hardship posting, but if it weren't for your absence, I would never want to be anywhere else on earth.

Well, I best be off to work. Talk to you tomorrow as usual. Give my love to Elaine.

Yours, always

Ben.

 

* * *

  
From:  Ray Kowalski <rayk57@excite.com>   
To: Benton Fraser <bfraser@netcom.ca>   
Date: 1 October 2005   
Time: 0200

Nights like this, Ben, I want you in my arms so bad, it hurts. I wish the fucking phones weren't so useless, I really want to talk to you but I know I'll just end up throwing the receiver through a wall or something.

IA got hold of me and Elaine today and they want us to go undercover for them in our own precinct. I got to be discreet here, Ben, you understand, but it fucking sucks, it really does. After the shit I went through in Narcotics over Sam Franklin, now they want to put our heads on a platter and serve them up to the rest of the department. We're screwed - if we refuse, we're in shit with IA, and if we agree, we'll be in shit with everyone else. Elaine's worried sick - she's never had much to do with IA before, and this could ruin her career before it gets off the ground (she's planning to make Captain before me, and between you, me and the gatepost, I reckon she might do it).

We told them we need 24 hours to think. Got to give them the answer tomorrow morning. I just got back from Elaine's. Her, me and Joe went over it and over it. We want the dirty cops too, but the way it looks, IA will get the credit if the deal goes ok, and we'll get the blame if it doesn't.  Should have called you before now - it's too late. I wanted to hear your voice. You make everything sound clear.

Hell. I better hit the sack. Gotta be up in five hours.

Love you

Ray

 

* * *

  
From:  Ray Kowalski <rayk57@excite.com>   
To: Benton Fraser <bfraser@netcom.ca>   
Date: 7 October 2005   
Time: 2100

It was really good to talk to you tonight, Ben, even with the damn echo. Ok, so we made the decision already, but I feel better for you knowing the situation. Got to be careful what I put down, you know that. But listen, I forgot to say, with this, Elaine and me will both be working around the clock. So what I'm saying, buddy, is that if you don't get a message every day - it's not that I don't love you no more! Just because I'm too tired to jerk off  - sorry, *masturbate*  - doesn't mean i don't want you down here every minute of the day.

Boy, June can't come soon enough. When do you think you'll know if you can come down in March? This shit will all be over then, for sure. IA swears (yeah, like I believe them) that the operation will take a week, no more. But I'd count on more than that. So I won't be ignoring you, I might be just busy.

Say hello to the furball for me, will you?

Love you

Ray

 

* * *

  
From:  Ray Kowalski <rayk57@excite.com>   
To: Benton Fraser <bfraser@netcom.ca>   
Date: 23 October 2005   
Time: 2300

Is it really a week since I wrote to you? This is the first night this week I've been in before midnight, and man, I am so whacked. I'm seeing double. God help us if I have to pull my gun any time soon - I'll probably shoot my foot, or Elaine!

This IA thing has been dragging on, but we think we cracked it today. Can't say too much but things are happening now.

Ooops - the screen is beginning to dance now. I better stop. Maybe I'll dream of you again - that's so nice. Dreaming about you and Dief and the snow and coming to see you. Yeah. I like that.

Might be a few days before I can write again, so don't panic. I might call you if I get in at a reasonable hour which probably won't be until next week. The things the way they are at work I don't think I can risk calling from there.

I miss you so much, Ben.

Ray

 

* * *

There was a silence of two and a half weeks - my attempts to call Ray met his answering machine which was too full of messages to take another.  I thought I would give it a few more days and then I would call Elaine - something I was loathe to do since it smacked of checking up on Ray. As it turned out, it was unnecessary.

We have produce flown in every week by plane and the local storekeeper collects it in his truck. He  also brings us any parcels for the detachment and post as it arrives. Three weeks after I last heard from Ray, Frank deposited something more substantial at my detachment office - one battered Chicago cop. "Hi, Ben," Ray said, cheerily, like he just popped in from next door to borrow a power tool.  Frank was watching my reaction with some amusement, but there was nothing remotely funny about Ray's condition. There was an ugly healing scar on the side of his head, which had been shaved, his left arm was in a sling and his left leg was in a full length cast.

"Ray - what on earth...?"

He looked around nervously. I nodded at Frank and indicated it would be best if he left. We were left alone and I helped Ray to a chair. "Why didn't you call?"

"Are you mad at me, Ben?" His cheerfulness was gone and he looked uncertain.

"Of course not - but what the _hell_ happened to you?"

"Uh, lost a fight. Ben - I need you. Can I stay here for a while?"

Good grief. "You don't need to ask. Is this all your gear?"

He nodded. I looked at the clock - an hour before office hours ended. I decided to give myself permission to leave early - rank has its privileges, after all - switched on the answering machine and told him to wait while I fetched my jeep from my house.

Getting him back the short distance to my residence was difficult - I didn't as yet know how long he planned to stay but it was clear he was going to be fairly housebound until his leg cast came off. He was tired from the exertions of the flight here and asked for coffee as soon as I got him settled. I shook my head. "Ray, if you're that tired, you should go to bed."

"Fraser, you say the sweetest things," he joked but the smile never reached his eyes which looked empty and lost.  He agreed to rest after we juggled the bathroom activities. Then at last he was flat on his back on my bed - not quite how I had imagined it. He closed his eyes. "Ben - I know you got a hundred questions, but can it wait until morning? I'm so beat."

I put my hand on his brow - he was slightly hot and quite pale which I put down to his tiredness. "Of course, Ray. Are you comfortable?"

"No - but you can't do anything about that unless you can take these fucking casts off me." I covered him up and he was asleep in seconds. I traced the scar on the side of his head, wondering how he'd got it.

Once he was asleep, I could catch my breath and think about his sudden arrival. I wanted to call Elaine or his captain, but something about his reticence held me back. I knew he wouldn't be on the run - he'd have never got through the border if he were - but he was wounded and in trouble and had run to me for asylum. Not for the first time, either. He was so shaky - he looked as if he should be in the hospital, and I guessed he had not long been discharged.

I joined him in bed several hours later. Neither of us slept well - his sleep was fractured by dreams, by pain and by the fact he was now running a real temperature. I made him take aspirin at around four in the morning - he looked much worse than he had when he arrived. "Are you on medication?" I asked him.

"Just pain pills," he said huskily, his eyes fever bright. He rested uneasily in my arms the rest of the night, but at least he had no more dreams.

At eight, I phoned one of my constables and explained I had a sick guest. We could all be as easily contacted at our homes as at the office so it was of little consequence that I was not physically at the detachment. I also called the health centre and asked one of our four nurses to come by. Ray had thrown up once before she arrived - more dry heaves than anything substantial - and did so while she was examining him. "Well, Ben, I'd say he's got that flu going round down south. You'll do me a favour if you keep him away from other people. But as far as he's concerned, he needs aspirin, fluids and rest.  I'll give you something for him to take for the vomiting. Call me if he gets much worse."

She left me with supplies - and a bedpan - and instructions for Ray's care. He was rarely ill, although he was somewhat susceptible to colds, but his injuries probably made him more vulnerable to flu bugs. It would take a week before he could look after himself, Karen had said.  As she predicted, he got worse before he got better, being frankly delirious for several days. I nursed him as best I could and cradled him at night to help him sleep. He called Elaine's name and my own over and over, but I had not yet been able to ask him about what had happened to him - he was too weak to get out of bed to urinate, and conversations were strictly one word in length  and that word being either 'yes' or 'no'. The infection moved to his chest and he was racked by painful coughs which alarmed me - the real danger of influenza of the type he had was that it would lead to pneumonia. Finally after five days, he was still weak, still coughing, but his fever and nausea had gone. He even managed to eat a little, making a change from the water and tea and juice which was all he had subsisted on since he arrived in Pond Inlet.

I came into the bedroom and saw he was awake. He called to me, so I sat next to him on the bed and pulled his head onto my lap, where he rested as I stroked his hair.

"I'm sorry, Ben," he said weakly.

"For being sick? Don't be silly, Ray."

"No - for coming up and not telling you."

He paused to cough. I help him sit up until the bout passed. "You don't have to talk now, Ray."

He shook his head. "No - need to. Help me, Ben."

"How?"

"Just hold me? I gotta tell someone about this."

He sat up a little, rested his head against my chest and spoke, the tale losing none of its horror for the quiet way he told it. The IA investigation had been successful and five long serving and quite senior detectives had been charged with several serious crimes. Unfortunately, Ray and Elaine had incurred much animosity for turning in their own people and had received threats which were being investigated. They answered a routine call about a possible illegal casino two and a half weeks weeks prior to Ray's arrival -  just three days after his last email, and two days after the arrests were made. "We were joking about how you'd have to be totally addicted to gambling to come to that part of town. I was wearing my vest because of the notes we had and I was telling Elaine to put hers on - you know they didn't have pregnant women in mind when they designed those things. She had it in her hand, you know - she was just gonna put it on." He fell silent for a moment, remembering. "Someone called my name and I turned around. Then all hell broke loose, shots coming from everywhere - we didn't have time to pull our weapons. She was shot in the stomach, I got hit in the leg and the arm, got grazed on the head which knocked me out for a couple of minutes. When I came to, Elaine was lying across me bleeding to death. I managed to call for help before I passed out. I was in the hospital until two days before I got here."

"And Elaine?" I feared the worst.

His hand gripped mine tightly. "She's alive - we nearly lost her. But, uh ... the baby ... little girl ... she ... she died." I could feel him trembling and I rubbed his shoulders. "Uh ... Elaine ... she's ... God, Ben, she fucking screamed when they told her. You could hear her down the halls.  I couldn't get to her ... with my leg and everything."

He put his hands over his ears as if he could hear the sound. I  rocked him gently which seemed to help, and made soothing noises, but there was no point in trying to diminish the horror of what he remembered through mouthing platitudes. And I knew the answer to my next question was going to be equally painful.

"Who attacked you, do you know?"

"You work it out, Ben," he said flatly.

"Police officers."

"Yep - crippled by our own people. I had to get out, Ben - I couldn't hold it together for a second more. Elaine and me, we've been running ourselves ragged, doing double shifts for weeks, like I told you in my emails - and now this."

"It's probably why you got sick."

"Yeah - it was either that or a heart attack, I guess." He was shaking worse now and I covered him with more blankets.

"Take it easy, Ray. You're safe here - and you can stay as long as you want."

He nodded, slipping down until his head was back in my lap. He was still trembling and coughing occasionally but gradually fell asleep where he lay, mumbling and calling out, obviously disturbed by recalling the appalling events. Even without the element of betrayal, the death of Elaine's unborn child would have hurt Ray badly - but knowing it was at the hands of his brothers in arms ... little else could be worse to bear.

Between his injuries and his illness, Ray would have been housebound even if we were not in the darkest period of winter. I fielded calls from his parents and his captain for three weeks - he was not fit enough, nor emotionally secure enough to deal with the outside world. He told me he was signed off for three months - it would take two months before the cast came off his shattered leg and he intended to stay at least that long. Once he was past the worst of the flu his main concern was for Elaine - he asked me to call for him, which I did reluctantly, knowing that she would really prefer to speak to him.  Joe confirmed that Elaine was very distressed and signed off for at least two months herself. He was slightly accusing when he asked about Ray - feeling no doubt that Ray had deserted his partner. If Joe could have seen Ray, I think he would have been a little more forgiving.  The creature haunting my home was a shadow of the bright, vibrant man I had left in Chicago. He had lost weight with the flu and his eyes looked at me with endless pain. He felt grief, he felt betrayed - he had committed himself to his police career and now the foundations of his existence were shaken, if not destroyed.

I returned to work proper after a week, but I could and did call in at home several times a day. Diefenbaker stayed by Ray who spent much of the time staring out the window towards the dark sea ice.  The furnished house I had been allocated was large enough for a family and there was plenty of space for two men and a wolf, but Ray rarely left the armchair.  I'd come home sometimes and think there was an elderly person waiting for me, but it was just him, wrapped in a rug, his hand on Dief's head, the radiator on full bore and lost in his thoughts. I suggested that we accept one of the invitations to supper that had come our way since his arrival - a stranger, especially a good looking one like Ray, was always going to attract attention, and with it being so close to Christmas, it was natural that people would extend hospitality to us. For the first time since I came to the island, I actually wanted to socialize. Ray agreed to come with me to dinner with one of my subordinates and her husband, together with some local people. He was quiet the whole meal, politely answering questions, but so obviously unhappy and uncomfortable that I made our excuses after dessert and took him home. He refused to go anywhere else after that until just before Christmas - a month after he arrived.

He showed no inclination to meet the curious locals, and claimed he was happy on his own, but I couldn't miss the small light in his eyes that appeared when I did. One night, holding him in my arms as had become our habit so that he could get to sleep, I asked him if he planned to go back. He was silent for a long time, and I feared that I had pushed too hard. "I don't want to, Ben."

"You don't have to," I said soothingly.

"Yeah, I do. If I don't, they win. I got to go back for me, for Elaine. I just ... just need some more time."

"You have it - you have me. And you're right."

He gave a little chuckle. "I knew you'd agree with me - hell , you'd have never left in the first place."

"You don't know that. My instincts to hide when I'm wounded are just as strong as yours, Ray. We're like wolves."

"So, like you and Dief, you're my pack, huh?"

"And you and Dief are mine."

"Elaine's my pack too."

"Yes."

"Gotta look after her."

"Quite right. You know, I think she would like to speak to you," I said gently.

He twisted to look at my face. "I can't, Ben. What if she loses it when I talk to her? I'm no good at that."

"In my experience, Ray, you can do what ever you need to do to get the job done. She needs you - you're her partner, just as much as you are mine. I know I would want your support in a time like this."

He thought about this and didn't speak again before he fell asleep.  I woke some time later to an empty bed - lord knows how he got up without waking me. I could hear him speaking quietly in the living room. He was on the phone - his face was wet and he was trembling, but his voice was warm and soothing.

"I know, honey ... it hurts like hell, you don't need ... we had to, we did the right thing, even Fraser says ... yeah, he does, honest ... shhh, don't cry, Elaine, come on, for me ... that's it ... no, of course I'm not mad at ya, kid..."

I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around him as he talked.  "No, don't be like that ... nobody thinks you're a fool, and anyone who says it, I'll kick 'em in the head ... yeah, I'm coming back, promise, just let me get the casts off and everything. You gotta get better too ... we'll go back in together, knock 'em dead, how about that? Is Joe there, hon? Why don't you go to bed and talk to him? I'll call you in a few days, and you phone me up here if you need to, all right? Yeah, I love you too, kid - you're the best partner I ever had. ... sure I said that to Fraser, he's a maniac," he tried to smile at me, but it came out as a grimace. "No, I don't mind. I needed to talk to you too. I miss you too. Now scoot, okay? Look after yourself. Bye, hon."

He put the receiver down carefully. Then he buried his face in the front of my long johns and cried as if his heart would break. I held him and stroked his back and kissed the tears off his face, helpless in the face of such pain.

Despite what it cost him, he was undoubtedly a little stronger, a little less withdrawn after that call, gradually improving in spirit and in body. The health centre checked his fractures which were healing well, although once the casts were off he would need physiotherapy. We had a quiet Christmas, just the three of us, but he did come with me to the various community celebrations then and at New Year.  Gradually the man I knew and loved returned to me, a quieter, more determined version perhaps, but much more familiar than the hollow shell who arrived so suddenly that late November day. He called Elaine every week - she was having a harder time of it, grieving for her lost daughter, and he was always subdued after speaking to her.

It was a time of healing for both of us, not just of his recent wounds, but of our long estrangement. We finished the process we had begun in Chicago, and by the time I took him to the clinic to have both casts removed, our friendship and our love was as strong as we two could forge it. Yes, he would have to go back, and yes, it was going to be a long time before we would be together for a prolonged period, but we had beaten the demons and fears of the past and emerged as the duet he once called us. He stayed for another week once he was free of the plaster. By then he was restored in mind and body as much as we could manage together. His last night in Pond Inlet, we talked about his return.

"Do you think you'll face much hostility, Ray?"

He looked at me wryly. "Fraser, that's a really stupid question coming from a man who was shut out for four years for bringing in his own dad's killer. Elaine and me are gonna be like poison for a long while - she knows that, I know that. But we gonna face it together - we agreed. She's coming back to work next month."

"So soon?"

"She still wants to be a cop, Ben. If she doesn't come back soon, she never will. I gotta be there to help her."

"I'll be worried about you both."

He kissed me and held me close. "You and me both, buddy.  You don't really want me to turn tail and run, do you?"

"If I were entirely honest - and selfish - I would have to admit to having some thoughts along those lines. But I know you'd be terribly unhappy if you did that."

"Well, if I'm entirely honest, I'd have to say I gave it serious thought, Ben. It's not right though."

"You 'll always have somewhere to come back to, if you need it - you know that, don't you?"

"Yes I do. And I got a little piece of you in here to take back with me," he said with his hand over his heart. He stood up and held out a hand to me. "I want to take you to bed, and make love to you, Benton Fraser. Will you let me?"

"As you wish, Ray," I say quietly. I was his, he was mine. He wanted to show that to me tonight.

He pulled me up, and put his hands on either side of my face, as he had done the night I arrived back in Chicago, and he became an indelible part of my life again. Then, as now, he kissed me gently, tenderly. Put his heart and soul into his touch, and I was lost within it, within him. We stood like that for a long time, just kissing, holding each other. Then he took my hand and led me to the bedroom. I sensed that tonight, he needed to be in charge, to take the lead, so I let him do as he wished, to strip me carefully, kissing me lightly over my chest and neck as he exposed the bare flesh to his caresses. "I want you, Ben," he whispered.

"And I you. I am yours, Ray."

He smiled a sweet, sad smile and made me sit and then lie down on the bed. I watched him as he undressed for me. So thin, the scars of his recent experience still stark against pale flesh. His hair had only just begun to grow out over the shaven area, and there was a line over which hair would never grow. But for all that, he was beautiful to me, a thing of raw energy and love, with eyes that blazed with desire for me and me alone. He lay on top of me, resting between my outspread legs, kissing my mouth and slowly working his way down my chest until he knelt so that he could kiss and lick my stomach. He smiled when he saw he was tickling me, but made his touch more firm until it no longer tickled, but aroused me. He stroked his hands over and over down my sides to my hips until he finally held them carefully as he licked all around my erection. "What do you want, Ben?" he asked in a voice that was a little uncertain.

"Just you, Ray. All of you, in me and with me."

He nodded and got up briefly to collect the lubricant and condoms from the dresser. He sat between my legs again, and urged me to bend them so I was exposed to him. He looked at me. "You know you are so beautiful, Ben. Never thought I'd say that to a guy, but there isn't another word for it."

"I was thinking the same about you while you undressed."

He pulled a face but didn't argue with me. He stroked my penis gently, carefully caressing the testicles before running a finger across my perineum. I shifted a little. "Like that, huh? You're so easy, Ben Fraser."

I gave him a reprimanding look which made him grin. He put a little lubricant on his finger and then I felt the coolness of the gel against me, as he massaged and stimulated, making me wriggle. He was torturing me, but it was such a pleasant way to go. Slowly he eased his finger in, taking his time, caressing my stomach with his hand, at once soothing and stimulating me. "Please, Ray?" I couldn't refrain from asking. We'd only done this once before, and I had enjoyed it, wanted to do it again but his illness and injuries had prevented us. Now he was going back, and I would only have this evening's memories to last me for months. I was torn between wanting it to be slow and long, and wanting him to hurry and bring me to the fever pitch of pleasure.

He took mercy upon me, putting the condom on and lubricating himself, a sight which made me ache with desire. If he hadn't moved quickly at that point, I would have thrown myself upon him. But then he was in, and I was in bliss, being stroked and filled by the man I loved, his face a study of ecstasy from being in me, his long body wrapped within my legs, the muscles playing as he slowly thrust, hitting the sweet spot and centering me on this point of pleasure so that nothing beyond it seemed to exist. There was just him and me, in this bed, and there was nothing beyond us.

He came with his eyes tightly closed, his mouth open but soundless. Still gently moving, his hand brought me to climax soon after. He disposed of the prophylactic, and sat once more between my legs. I pulled him down to me, up to my lips so I could kiss him and hold him. His hand reached to my face. "Don't cry, Ben," he said softly, and I hadn't noticed that I was. I don't even know why I cried, except perhaps at the thought of him going, and the pain he had shared with me, and the love I felt for him that was the strongest emotion I had ever experienced. Perhaps I cried for five empty years, or for all the years to come. I don't know. All I know is that he let me hold him, and he stroked my face, brushing each salty drop away as it leaked from my eyes, and tasting his fingers as if my tears were nectar to him. I never wanted him to go. I knew letting him go - whether this time, or the next or the one after - would always be like this. Full of worry for the dangers he faced, for him being on his own. Missing him every second he was gone. It was the price I paid for the privilege of loving him.

I put him on the plane the next day and as he waved cheerfully to me before disappearing into the cabin, I wondered if I could feel more proud of anyone than I was of him at the moment. He knew what he was facing, and he was going to meet it head on, in typical Ray Kowalski fashion - bravely, cheekily and in his own special way. He would come back to me for a few weeks in our brief summer, and I would come to him at Christmas. That would be our life for the next few years until one of us retired or left our job.

It is never enough - I can never have enough of him. But it is sufficient. Happiness is just a habit, and thanks to him, it is one I am beginning to relearn. I hope to have a long time to practice it.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written nearly twenty years ago under another pseudonym. It hasn't been revised (or reread by me) since then.
> 
> I am posting this and my other stories from this period purely so people can read them if they choose. I won't be reading comments, and don't care if you leave kudos. I'm dumping them and running.
> 
> Having said that, I worked hard on them, and I hope they still entertain someone out there.


End file.
